Ah, my favorite

my mom is still a bitch... 

,
.i hope this finds you well.

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.i hope this finds you well.

,
.i hope this finds you well.

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.i hope this finds you well.

These are photos from a park in Murfreesboro,TN. I called It Life park. I started out Thinking about a dead, abandonded park... everything was dark but I did a little editing afterwards, Half way through the time I was there I started loving my family like im supposed to... Yeah. Enjoy.
.i hope this finds you well.

We're in Too much of a rush.

This is a picture from a huge Tempest we drove through on the way to Nashville where I started my Project. This was just some extra space on the camera I wanted to fill. Comment and I'll and more car pictures.

Honesty

So, Its time for a normal blogpost. Its about my blog, I've got some splanin' to do.

Most of the blog is real, especially when it comes to, She said this, and I said this type things. I Just refaced and WRITE around them.
Too many blogs are straight forward...
"I went to the beach todqayy saw some girls, then I had to go shopping, worked suck, but its money. OKay, Gotta go play halo.... Leave me comments!!!"
shit like that and I am quite frankly disgusted with it. That's why I WRITE like I do. Someday I want to get something published some how, even if I do it myself. This blog is like, practice for whatever. Id really love to write music reviews as well...

anyway,
I've never met a girl named Vada, and I've never met a girl named Adolyn.

The last couple entries have been about a girl named Shelby, a girl named Angela, and a girl named Brittany.

I was with Brittany for 5 months 2 years ago, I was with Shelby for almost two years right after Brittany and I ended, fairly recently.
And Ang is a girl I met like.... Three weeks ago and in that time I managed (ithinkitsallmyfault) to give her car a flat tire the first night we met, just by being with her. Give her a bladder infection, drink her parents liquor and pass out and piss on her living room floor, Make her car not start after I drive it home for her, Make her mother say something like "we aren't running a whore house when your home from collage on the weekends", smoke almost a full pack of cigarettes by bumming when I was out, make her fall in love with me, Make her break up with me because of my past(and not being able to let go of it) and my present drinking problem, Send her into a depressive panic attack the ended in a emergency room and with counseling. Made her start smoking and made her have to pop an anxiety pill when she talks to me. I'm sure there was more.

I don't know where I was going. But yeah, I feel really bad that I hurt such a fragile girl so so much. Its really crazy, I really didn't know I meant so much to anything ever. Maybe that's why I do the things I do. I don't do them on purpose, its just me... I don't understand it.

Would you want to kill yourself if you had this massive, crushing power that you cant even feel... And as a result you hurt the ones you love and Anyone that cares?
Its like a movie, im like a virus that must be contained, and the only way to stop it is too kill my son or something.
for you, picture-cool girl.

.dearadolyn.

I cant smile, I cant Dream, I cant sing without you, Not that I could before.
Not that I ever made the best of the two second 'bests-of-life' that you gave me every second.

So effortlessly,

Your a kite,

You fly...
Your Bright.
| And |

if exhalations were any sort of currency then your worth would be of value comparable to the the finest Chinese pink silk and underwater pearls [that you wear on your wrist and give to my little cousins, all part of beauty that is you]
I've never been a rich man, But I have held you.
Goodnight sweetheart.
*BANG*

Sirens.... Horns... Fires and tears.
Funny how love and earliy graves go so nicely.
Hand and hand, Happy as little kids...(in love)

Dear Vada,

I wanted to die in my sleep but I dreamt of you all night instead. In a thousand different places that I have always wanted to go with you. I woke up and cried because I honestly was happy, and didn't believe you could be so sweet and just be gone (sounds like me, doesn't it?).
You were so beautiful, drunk and screaming at me. I was so happy because I know that meant you cared and you wanted me to feel it, you wanted me to hurt. Somehow, that just means you still love me to me (in my head it makes sense, don't ask). You were screaming and fell on your knees and then I fall from standing and you fall again and we hit our heads and your tears and mine both flow out together.
..Sounds like a fucked up time line of our whole relationship in ten seconds.

Us drunk, sad, and angry. Its love.

Your drunk and you keep pulling out butts from your pack and ask for my lighter, I always give it to you and give you one of mine instead. You criticize my cigarettes (that's why I changed brands actually, Who smokes red 100's?) but you smoke them anyway.

We talk to much and I end up crying again, explaining to you that I can't cry when I'm sober "and, you don't even know..". You do that excited giggle that you do and make me go back to tell you. [its love] I explain when I cook food I cry, because I think about me being a vegetarian and you starting it for me and then me giving it up, you being upset and me brushing it off (another metaphor?). I cry when I light cigarettes because I made your start smoking. I cry when I lye down to sleep because we wont ever do that again. I cry when I wake up because I miss you (fun I cried after I tell you this). I cry now because I want to drink and forget about you, but then I cry more because I did that when we were together. I tell you I hate myself because all I can do is cry and feel everything I miss in our relationship now day after day without you there to remember and smile with me about it.

I cry because I can honestly say that by my own hands I ruined the single greatest thing that ever happened to me.

.Its regret, Its painful and un-ending.

I love you,
Holden.

PS: I wont ever try to get into your pants again, I'll only try to make you love me, and maybe make you love me again.

xanga isnt always lame...

Because I use it sometimes, and we all know I rule.
psych, The only people that like this blog are secretly as weird as I am, Or have convinced them selves that they are in love with me... because everyone I show intrest in Im simply looking for happiness I once had, so Im perfect, becuase everyone Im with I want to show everything wonderful I have ever seen... so that they can be in love with me and maybe change me and forget about her, but now its her(the second her) that I cant forget about, god, Please, I honestly wont mind if you take me in my sleep, I wont fight. I welcome you, Please lord.
Fuck, is anyone this weird?
praying to god to be there murderer?

my new home.

With the warmth and love laking in my 'home' i move out to be alone. I love it, No one talks, everything is normal and I have my own space in my head and otherwise to just, be. Its funny, When im here youd think Id think of you less, No memorys here of us walking together... I hate It. The only thing worse than memory is hope. Now im looking at the pond and thinking about you insted of staring at that highschool missing you. Cigarttes are terrible, So terrible, I smoke marlboro reds now, and I dont even feel it in the morning, aside from you I hurt.... Smoking is the new cutting, I drag it, It hurts some, I cry, I dont think. But now the drug part of it doesnt work! what the hell am I supposed to do! ahrg!
Hm, A love letter of sorts I supose.
I really am happier than this. i swear, i feel happier, I just dont think any more, i stop myself. if i dont think i dont hurt, problem solved, fuck the medicene, fuck smoking, fuck theropy, fuck drinking, Im done. Im not done. Nothing is solved. im thinking right now and this is what comes out, I hate it.

"baby, i just want to know you"
"stop is shawn, your never gonna know me"

"I just wanted to get to know you...."
"your Never, going to know me, no one ever knows anyone"

My uncles son looks more like him every day.