Dear Vada,

I wanted to die in my sleep but I dreamt of you all night instead. In a thousand different places that I have always wanted to go with you. I woke up and cried because I honestly was happy, and didn't believe you could be so sweet and just be gone (sounds like me, doesn't it?).
You were so beautiful, drunk and screaming at me. I was so happy because I know that meant you cared and you wanted me to feel it, you wanted me to hurt. Somehow, that just means you still love me to me (in my head it makes sense, don't ask). You were screaming and fell on your knees and then I fall from standing and you fall again and we hit our heads and your tears and mine both flow out together.
..Sounds like a fucked up time line of our whole relationship in ten seconds.

Us drunk, sad, and angry. Its love.

Your drunk and you keep pulling out butts from your pack and ask for my lighter, I always give it to you and give you one of mine instead. You criticize my cigarettes (that's why I changed brands actually, Who smokes red 100's?) but you smoke them anyway.

We talk to much and I end up crying again, explaining to you that I can't cry when I'm sober "and, you don't even know..". You do that excited giggle that you do and make me go back to tell you. [its love] I explain when I cook food I cry, because I think about me being a vegetarian and you starting it for me and then me giving it up, you being upset and me brushing it off (another metaphor?). I cry when I light cigarettes because I made your start smoking. I cry when I lye down to sleep because we wont ever do that again. I cry when I wake up because I miss you (fun I cried after I tell you this). I cry now because I want to drink and forget about you, but then I cry more because I did that when we were together. I tell you I hate myself because all I can do is cry and feel everything I miss in our relationship now day after day without you there to remember and smile with me about it.

I cry because I can honestly say that by my own hands I ruined the single greatest thing that ever happened to me.

.Its regret, Its painful and un-ending.

I love you,
Holden.

PS: I wont ever try to get into your pants again, I'll only try to make you love me, and maybe make you love me again.