We must blend into the choir, sing a static with the whole.

Last night was painful. I felt like a babysitter, Sitting sober in a living room with my sober girlfriend watching our friends younger sisters fuck themselves. I'm in a room full of drunk 15 year old girls, trying not to judge them, as I was doing the same thing at 15. Watching all this, quite and slow made me think too much and put a sting in my eye. I was thinking "your all dying, and you love it." I was so sad for them, but I knew there wasn't anything for me to say to them. It hurt. Your all so young and your drinking so much, and hurting so much, and drinking so much and rolling over in everything, smiling all the while. It hurts to have been through it and sit by quietly.

This morning though, my shirts from saddle-creek came and that made my year. I'm going to get a haircut later and I'm seeing Shelby tonight so Its a good day.

later, I was finishing my first cigarette of the day, pissed off. Listening to the fans cheering for... Whatever they were cheering for. With there healthy lungs, I should be there. Everyone I grew up with is there smiling with the smiling. I hate myself for making it such a problem to be happy, I cant sing a static with the choir and I hate it.
I'm hating this cigarette too, all of them. The first one of the day isn't even getting to me anymore. I think I should stop but I don't want to stop. So, it cant happen yet, I hate it. I'm trying though, I just stopped drinking, I haven't drank in a long time (for me) and it feels wonderful. I'm fighting one addiction and fueling another. Its alright with me because its better to my friends.

On a, uhm, different note. Before I got out of my bed I was listening to the ice cream man drive by my house and I was thinking..... Probably too much. But it always seemed so great when I was young but now the idea of a middle aged man visiting children daily just seems strange.

I also thought, some day I want to be an icecream man, and refuse service to fat children.
I think id be out of work, fast.